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Hey Waiter, There’s Sh$$ In My Food!

Hey server there's shit in my food-2 As a cook, one of the scariest things I have experienced is seeing a server bring a plate back from the dining room. There is just a certain way you can just tell something is not right. Their body language and facial expressions always seems to say the same thing: “Something is wrong, and I’m going to tell you about it”  The worst is when there is some sort of foreign object on a plate.

In the hustle and bustle of a busy restaurant, sometimes accidents happen. Often these are things that can be avoided through improving policies and procedures. Sometimes it’s not the fault of the restaurant or it’s staff at all.  No one wants a plate to have something on it that’s not supposed to be there, but there are some examples that are worse than others. Here are a couple things I’ve witnessed, separated into playful categories.

The Bad

Sometimes foreign objects aren’t dangerous, just unappetizing or tacky.

Once I was at a burger joint known for it’s Jucy Lucy a while back in St. Paul, when our plate showed up their was a fresh newport cigarette mixed in with the fries. Obviously the cook was getting ready for a smoke break and had it tucked behind his ear and it fell into the fries; we laughed about it.

Plastic wrap is heavily used in kitchens. I have seen it come back in small pieces floating in salad dressings, tucked underneath chicken tenderloins attached to cooked breasts, and mixed in accidentally with plenty of other ingredients.

Metal nuts and bolts are attached to many types of kitchen tools. On mandoline slicers, they get particularly loose sometimes. Two years ago I was prepping a slaw, working overtime with a mountain of prep by myself. At the end of the party, the chef I was working with spotted a metal screw in the slaw container, which luckily didn’t go out to customers. I was mortified.

The Ugly

These are horror stories; the most stomach turning I have witnessed.

I was at a catering gig once for a wedding. On the menu was fried chicken. One of the cooks had a cut and wasn’t wearing a glove while breading the chicken. When the food went out to the diners, the mother of the bride found his used band-aid under the skin of her chicken.

When I was catering another wedding with a chef from Italy, we had a rickety old van we would transport food in. Poor planning meant that we didn’t secure the speed rack with all of the sheet trays on it containing hundreds of dollars of prepped food. When we hit a bump, the speed rack rushed forward in the back of the van, it fell completely horizontal on it’s side, dumping all of the food onto the floor of the van. Two of the sheet trays contained hotel pans of tiramisu. The chef instructed me to scoop the tiramisu off of the floor and shove it back into the hotel pans, covering it with cocoa powder so that no one would know.

When I was 15 working at Mcdonalds, I worked with a particularly salty and disgruntled cook. A guy came into the drive through and the disgruntled cook recognized him as having slept with his girlfriend. I watched him whip out his member, rubbed it all over the guy’s burger, and then scatter a nice clump of hair on it. He proceeded to watch the guy eat the whole thing in the parking lot.

The Good?

Sometimes you can find things in food that should not be there, but the fact that it is there can almost be endearing. In the world we live in, most food is highly processed, pumped full of chemicals, and shot out of a sterilized tube onto a conveyor belt.

Fast food is the go-to example. I have never heard of someone finding a bone shard in a Mcnugget because the meat wasn’t butchered by hand, which allows for a margin of human error. The meat is chemically separated and formed, every nugget must taste the same, and be consistently monochrome.

A while back I tasted  a great batch of headcheese from the lord of pigs: Mangalitsa. One evening during service a plate came back with something on it: a coarse black pig hair. When we told the customers what it was, they didn’t care. Those people were real diners. They understood their headcheese came from a real pig, who did real pig things. never the less, having a strand of it’s hair in the headcheese was unfortunate, but evocative of the origin the food they were eating had. Supermarket headcheese is a foul imposter: low quality animal parts mixed with inferior gelatin, it is nothing like homemade.

Polypore mushrooms grow like blobs, and they occasionally absorb things as they grow. Sometimes this might be a root or a twig that is easy to pick out, other times it might not be so simple. One evening I was making wild rice pilaf with sauteed hen of the woods as a compliment to a duck entree. A plate came back, and I was horrified. A man had bitten into a rock in his dish and had broken a tooth.

It took 600 dollars of the restaurant’s money to fix it, and I got a serious earful for not double checking the wild rice before I cooked it. It wasn’t the rice. That hen of the woods had absorbed a pebble within it’s very root base as it grew, impossible to see like if a tac grew inside a potato. It wasn’t fun to see the plate come back. Like the pig hair, there is a silver lining though. Unlike cultivated mushrooms grown on substrates that make them taste watery and bland, this hen grew in the wild. It was a real mushroom, cut off the roots of a white oak tree in Southern Minnesota.

I’m not saying that it’s ok for strange things to be in food because there is always room for improvement. I’m just saying there is more to it than meets the eye. Have you ever found something foreign in your food? Send me a comment, I’d love to hear it!

Hey server there's shit in my food

 

 

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kelli Billstein

    April 23, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Holy crap!! You’ve got some ridiculous stories! Have you seen the movie “Waiting”?

    Reply
    • Alan Bergo

      April 23, 2014 at 10:52 pm

      Hi Kelli. Oh yeah, that was a hilarious movie, although the second one was kind of meh. For a while at a couple places I worked guys would go around trying to expose themselves to each other so that they could kick each other, just like in the movie. Some of the stuff in there is really more true than most people think.

      Reply
  2. Wendy

    April 23, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Wow some of that is truly stomach turning. Hahah.

    Reply
  3. Susan

    April 24, 2014 at 8:02 am

    My husband was served a rubber foot from some sort of kitchen equipment inside his chicken taco once. The server didn’t seem apologetic or even surprised. Funny thing is I don’t think we have been there since. Hmm.

    Reply
    • Alan Bergo

      April 27, 2014 at 7:01 pm

      Eeek! A rubber foot! That’s a new one Susan. I’ll be laughing about that one for a while. No wonder you haven’t returned.

      Reply
  4. elle

    December 20, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    I often frequent this amazing neighborhood cafe that sources local organic produce. I ordered a strawberry salad and when I went to bring a forkful up to my mouth, underneath some of the lettuce was a butterfly. It was still in perfect condition. I just let the kitchen know to sift through the greens a little better next time. It was actually kind of nice to find the butterfly. It was pretty and reminded me the greens had just been in the earth. I actually felt blessed! Gross is when you find an infestation of aphids on the back of your organic kale from whole foods though. Yuck! That’s just bad farming. Aphids aren’t that hard to get rid of even organically. Hey thanks for your posts. I am really into mushroom hunting and cooking with foraged foods. Glad the back to nature shift is finally winning merit with more people.

    Reply
  5. Matt

    June 15, 2016 at 12:17 am

    Once upon a time, there was a server that rung in a side of sautéed spinach. The spinach was kept fresh on the line (as in, raw and not blanched). The spinach was delivered to the restaurant from our produce supplier as twice washed and in sealed/perforated bags. During service, I reached in the 6th pan with my tongs to grab enough raw baby spinach for one side order. Spinach wilts down considerably when cooked and after a few flips in the pan, I saw something that refused to shrink. It was very green and plump. I moved the pan under a lamp to get a better look and found a well fed and dead caterpillar in all its wonderful juicy glory. Needless to say, I tossed the spinach in the garbage and sent the pan back to dish. Tragedy averted. This happened about ten years ago. It was right before salmonella found in spinach really made waves with the media. It was a great lesson. I will always wash produce. And, if a supplier claims to have already done it twice, I will wash thoroughly with food grade h2o2 as if they just lied.

    Reply
  6. eub

    July 29, 2018 at 2:11 pm

    Well, Matt’s caterpillar was twice-washed.

    My story is simple home cooking, a salad of some mix of greens, to the table in a bowl and dashed with vinaigrette. And FLIPFLOPFLIPFLOP part of the salad thrashed back and forth in agony as vinegar hit the soft skin of a small slug. My diner recoiled in horror and leapt away from the table and looked away from the salad bowl until I could make it disappear.

    Reply

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🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 Last entry. I’ve saved t 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

Last entry. I’ve saved the smallest, fern gulliest plant for last. 

False Mermaid Weed (Floerkea proserpinacoides) is a good little plant Sam Thayer showed me. It’s tiny, as in all the photos are from me on my belly, in a wet ditch. It’s so small it’s hard to get the camera to even focus on it (see pic with my finger for scale). 

Mermaid weed likes wet areas, like ditches and spots that hold a bit of water (perfect mosquito habitat😁). 

Like chickweed, Floerkia greens are like nature’s Microgreens. They’re in the Limnanthaceae, (a new-ish group of brassicas) and like the Toothwort form earlier this week, you’ll taste a strong mustard-family flavor in a mouthful of their tender stems. 

They’re literally wild mustard sprouts, and, unlike other wild sprouts (garlic mustard 🤬) they stay sprouts, and, they actually taste good. 

It has a wide range over much of the eastern and western U.S., and is listed as secure globally, but is endangered in some states and shouldn’t be disturbed in those places. 

I’m lucky enough to have some large colonies near me so I do clip a few handfuls each year-my annual reward for removing some of the garlic mustard nearby, that, along with atvs, dirt bikes, and contamination from local water pollution, is one of the biggest threats to this tiny green. 

#floerkiaproserpinacoides 
#wildsprouts #mustardsprouts #ferngully #tiny #foraging #mermaid #🧜‍♀️
🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 Virginia Bluebells (Merten 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

Virginia Bluebells (Mertensia virginica) are one of the most beautiful harbingers of spring I know, as well as one of the most delicious. 

They’re in the Borage family, along with the namesake plant, Comfrey (which I only eat a few flowers of occasionally) and Honeywort. 

The flavor of the greens, like borage, has a rich flavor some people might describe as mushroomy or fishy, but after a just a few moments of cooking (30-60 seconds) they get mild and delicious, with a subtle bitterness. It’s a good bitter though-nothing like dandelions or garlic mustard that aren’t fit to be in the same basket, let alone on the same plate. 

The shoots are sweet and delicious, much more mild than the greens. As they can grow to be over a foot long, they’re almost more of a vegetable than a leafy green, depending on when you harvest them. 

Bluebells love moist, rich soil, but you don’t have to go to the woods to get them. Many people know Virginia Bluebells as a garden plant, and they can make a great edible addition to your landscape.

#virginiabluebells #foraging #ephemerals #springwildflowers #wildfoodlove #mertensiavirginica
🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 Narrow-leaved Wild Leek / 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

Narrow-leaved Wild Leek / White Ramp (Allium burdickii) 

If you’re in a ramp patch you might occasionally see some with white stems (pic 1,2). These are a cousin to the more common variety with much larger leaves and red stems (pic 3,4,5)

Allium burdickii is not as common as the red-stemmed variety, and in every ramp patch I’ve been in, the white ramp is heavily outnumbered. 

Where I harvest, I like to leave them alone, and mark the areas where they grow with sticks or middens on the ground so I can go back in the fall and help them spread their seeds. I also try and remove garlic mustard when I see it-a much more imminent threat in my mind to ramps than foragers out to gather some leaves. 

2020 was a banner year for ramp seeds, and you can still help the plants right now (pic 7) as some seed heads are still full and would love for you to give them a shake as you walk by. 

#alliumburdickii #ramps #ephemerals #foraging #spring
🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 #4: Erythronium leaves E 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

#4: Erythronium leaves 

Erythronium (Trout Lily) are another ephemeral that I see widespread in my ramp patches, there’s at least 32 species world-wide, with at least one endangered species in MN (Dwarf Trout Lily). 

They’re a beautiful, delicious plant I eat every year, but I can’t recommend serving them to the general public. Plenty of people say these are edible, but also emetic if eaten in “quantity”. 

I can tell you, at least with E. albidum and E. americanum I’ve eaten, that some people are much more sensitive than others, so if you want to make a salad to serve people, make sure they’re comfortable eating it, and use a few leaves as a garnish. 

Funny enough, I didn’t learn about these from a foraging book. Like knotweed, I learned about them from one of my favorite chefs: Michel Bras, one of the most influential chefs of the turn of the 21 century. 

Any chef that works with wild plants owes a debt to Bras. His book, although a little dated now, still teaches me new things all the time. While flipping through the book I also caught a recipe using tansy flowers 😳 that I’d probably pass on. 

The whitefish crusted with sunflower seeds is a dish of mine from 2012, and an example of how I eat the leaves: a few at a time, as a garnish. 

#troutlily #erythronium #michelbras #ephemerals #foraging
🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 Plant #3: Cutleaf Toothwor 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

Plant #3: Cutleaf Toothwort (Cardamine concatenata) is another beautiful spring wildflower that loves to grow in the same habitat you’ll see ramps and spring beauty. 

Its small at first, but grows to a worthy size for eating as it flowers. It’s related to cabbage and mustard greens (Brassicaceae) and eating just a few leaves will give you a potent, spicy pop of mustard-family flavor reminiscent of horseradish. 

Eaten in combination with other things, like in a salad, the flavor becomes submissive and you’ll barely know it’s there. 

Some people eat the spicy roots shaped like canine teeth, but for the work I hardly think they’re worth it. 

A great wild spring green for the salad bowl-eat them leaves, tender stem, flowers and all🤤. 

#cutleaftoothwort #cadamineconcatenata #ephemeral #springedibles #foraging #wildfoodlove
🌱Ephemeral Week🌱 Plant #2 is Virginia water 🌱Ephemeral Week🌱

Plant #2 is Virginia waterleaf, and, I’m cheating a bit as it’s semi-ephemeral. The plant comes up in spring and goes to flower, but gives a second harvest of fresh growth in the fall, where other ephemerals I know do not. 

This is a great starter wild green-easy to recognize with the splashes of white on the leaves that may or may not be present. After you learn it though, don’t be surprised if, like me, you eventually pass it up for more delicious greens nearby. 

The plant gets tough quick, and the flavor is..meh, so I usually have small amounts of very young greens in blends of blanched and sautéed mixes. 

My favorite part is the wee flower buds, that, if you get at the right time, can be harvested in decent quantity and are good steamed as they’ll soak up oil sautéed. 

#hydrophyllumvirginianum #waterleaf #foraging #fueledbynature #weedeater
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